?

Log in

About this Journal
ALOHA
Current Month
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031
Mar. 29th, 2015 @ 06:48 pm I'm beyond there so now what?
Current Location: Kailua Kona. Hawaii
Current Mood: Lonley
Current Music: Led Zeppelin
Okay so my highest weight was 240 (the day after I had twins). I went on one Starbucks (in a bottle) as my only meal of the day. Nine months later I was 94 Lbs. I went back up the scale about 4 years ago during the holidays. I was having menopausal hot flashes and was stuffing junk food into me as fast as I could. I stopped myself after reaching 187 Lbs and went back down again (like Dr. Phil sais "this is not my first rodeo").

Then I had a few ups and downs but stayed mostly bulimic through out. Bulimia isnt for me since I have a non realible gag reflex so mostely restricting. I can see my bones when I look in the mirror but with clothes on I don't realize that I'm that small.
Now I'm 70 Lbs and 5 foot 3 inches tall.

I went on some thinspo sites (something I rarely do). I just like to look at fashion mostly.
Well I'm thinner that 90% of the models. I think I'm heading for a train wreck...well actually the train already wrecked but I see it getting worse.

Lately I have no appetite at all. Even if I had the "golden gag reflex" and a wallet full of money I still wouldn't binge because the urge isn't there for some reason.

My kids moved out and I'm having empty nest syndrome but I'm enjoying being alone with my disorder (if you want to call it that). I don't have to load the refridgerator for the kids or cook so I don't have to smell the food. I don't have to have anything in my cupboards or refridgerator if I don't want which makes it easier for me to restrict. If I want to eat I have to get in my car and drive and I'm just so depressed and lazy to do that.

I just got f*cked over royally by a bunch of people, 2 faced people and now I have a bunch of work to do, I don't now how but I get sh*t done somehow. I wish I could lay around and have someone take care of me but that will never happen, I'm always the care giver not taker. Fuck the hospital, I'm not going to sit there and eat grits all day and do stupid therapy groups.. been there done that a million times and it's not for me. I'm ashamed to say I like my screwed up eating habits. As low as I am on the scale I still have bills to pay and a job to do. The bills are not going to pay themselves, someone has to pay them.

I guess I'm a functional anorexic but god I'm ready for a rest. I have too much going on in my head the days pass by really fast. I went out to gas up my car today and got a little winded but nothing major.

I have no family, they all are dead. All I have is my kids and they got their own place. I make 4 peanut butter sandwitches piled to the top with peanut butter and I give it to my dog (she loves them). When I make them I say to myself "this should be for me" but lately just not interested.

I have had issues with food since I was about ten years old and I'm 49 now so I don't remember ever eating "normally". When I was pregnant I just binged all day and didn't purge (my kids dad thought the more I ate the bigger the babies would be) but I know that is not how it goes and yet I took those months to eat everything in sight.

My doctor gives me Marinol for appetite but I think I have become immune to it but even when I was smoking weed I never got the munchies so I take the Marinol just to feel relaxed.

Okay well now I'm boring myself to death. Going to play Guitar Hero by myself since there isn't a soul around for miles.
About this Entry
Kuuipo420
Feb. 17th, 2015 @ 08:37 am Tribute To Nadya Suleman
Current Location: Kailua Kona. Hawaii
Current Mood: highhigh
Current Music: The Beatles, Lady Madonna
About this Entry
Kuuipo420
Jul. 13th, 2013 @ 03:30 pm Okay enough is enough..
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: Afroman
I'm going to do this..I'm going to shower even if I did wait till 3:20. I want to be nice and high before I have to deal with the public... Have to cover up so no one thinks I got aids or something but I'm cold all the time anyway so it really makes no difference if I'm wearing a heavy sweater. People just look at you weird but I'm 47 so fuck em..at this point in my life I can't let anything slow me down because I'm concerned about what people think. I had a stroke in November so I think the meds take my appetite away. I don't go over to some fat bitch and say "why are you fat" so I don't expect anyone to ask me about my eating habits. I'm healthy as a horse and I feel good, just lazy...today is Saturday, I kinda expected to watch some horror flix but wrong day..Sat the 13th not Fri 13th shit...
Watching "Blue Crush" and still wondering why on earth would Kate Bosworth think she was fat? Logically I know she's got at 30 Lbs on me but for some reason I think I'm bigger than her..AWESOME movie, the kind you can watch over and over but as I said "Off to the supermarket" that cat needs her birthday fish.
21 fucking years old, she's older than my kids..
I wonder what the dogs going to want for his birthday..
About this Entry
Elizabeth Travis
Jul. 13th, 2013 @ 03:17 pm Okay I don't even know how to work this site...
I guess you have to pay or something, I don't mind doing that but I don't know how. I guess I have to find the site maker, webmaster (what a dumb word) or whoever to pay them via credit card. Fuck it I have no motivation today, maybe tonight after I've blazed a few doobies. Only thing that keeps me sane.. I'll get it done today.. Have to go out shopping for a birthday present for my cat who turns 21 today. I could give a rats ass but I told my kids 'd get her a "fish Cake" or something..
About this Entry
Elizabeth Travis